Before I Die
by KitKat Roar
Summary: Angela and Edward struggle to define their love when their worlds are so separated and filled with their own dangers. Being together past vampire and human affects all those around them and ultimately threatens all they do know. Sequel to As I Am.


This was not something I was supposed to be thinking about... this was definitely a stupid thing to obsess over. It had changed me and it branded my mind and as the images of the three men who had been standing like sentinels from across the street harassed my concentration; watching something, watching us, watching _me_...

I wish I was naive like before; silly, innocent and blind to the world's dangers but _he_ had awoken in me a relentless nagging after the passion and love. Paranoia; when you are exposed to the supernatural and impossible, other things begin to pop on your radar as your outlook is irreversibly broadened.

It wasn't a usual shrewdness to my surroundings, this I had no doubt about; being around the supernatural had given me an abnormal awareness to the finer details of my world; like a gift in spotting out the irregular hidden in the norm.

It was a stupid thing to obsess over... maybe... but I was hooked. My world would never be normal.

"Angie...?"

My father knew that I hated that nickname but at times-times when I was far away-he would call me with it and pull me back to our shared reality. "Not Angie..." I said absently, picking at my food with my fork.

"You haven't eaten anything...?" he laughed nervously. I wonder what he thought was bothering me in that instance as I felt his apprehension increase. He was good at listening to confessions but not good at giving his own; feelings were not his strong point.

"Aunt May's lasagne is still being digested..." I laughed back; a shaky sound that he probably thought was a reflection of his own nerves. He smiled, more at ease now that I wasn't frowning at my plate of food and at least trying to warm up to the expensive looking restaurant. "What is the name of this place...?"

"Saint Moritz..." he went back to his food, smiling more "Nice and quiet, eh? How you like things..."

I thought about my vampire boyfriend; quaint and simple didn't come to my mind when I wondered what kind of restaurant he would prefer if he was to endure icky food. Edward Anthony would want the best; a hundred pounds for every minute he would have to hurl afterwards...

"It's good, eh?" he raised his fork, indicating the food. I realised I was smiling goofily at my plate.

"It's... Swiss food" I smiled "Cheesy"

"Cheesy!" he laughed, placing his fork back down and giving himself a minute to enjoy my accidental joke. "Your brothers thought you wouldn't enjoy it..."  
"Now why would they think that?"  
"They don't give toys with the meals here..." he winked.

I could ask him about it now; my brothers... my half brothers. My mother... her lover, Fernando. I could ask him if he knew anything about my mother's escape from Spain. I could ask him if I was his daughter...

"Gosh, Angela... would you stop with that!" he leaned back, patting his stomach. "All this sulking... goodness! Do you miss him so much?"  
"Him...?"  
"Edward" he sighed, a tiny eye roll accompanying his exasperation "Believe it or not... I was in love once"

There was a God...

"With Angelica..." I leaned forward eating finally. I was ravenous; I needed to know... because I had no closure and something else. I had no revenge. "With Mom"  
"Yes" he smiled.

"How did you two meet?"  
"In New York... on a train" his smile faltered, and he shook his head. He took a long drink of his water and by the time he put the glass down, he seemed a little sad. I wanted to let it go...

"You bumped into each other?" I pressed.

"Something like that" he smiled sadly.

"Who is Fernando?" I blurted.

His face paled, his eyes bulged and lips merged into an imperfect line. "Where do you know that name from?" his voice whipped and a fear dripped into my mind, cooled the food in my belly; a fear of disapproval from one's parent, a fear of being disciplined-it was natural and yet strange with my age. I felt like the twins, when they were caught being naughty...

"I know it, that's all that matters" my heart was thundering. The fork in my hand quivered slightly. I looked at it in confusion and put it down, before realising my hand had developed a slight shake. I quickly hid it under my bum, sitting on it firmly. I thought it would shake even then, a silly image of my whole form waddling and vibrating on my chair popping up from the back of my mind. I may have laughed, I would have told Edward later on over the phone...

But I had no humour in me.

"He was..." he gulped, closing his eyes. He opened them again and I cringed back, they were red and moist. "I met your mother on a train but it was not formally. Truthfully, I only saw her for the first time on that train. She sat opposite me with man. She called him Fernando. I never saw him again..."

"And Xavi!" I demanded, so sure he was lying. He shook his head in confusion. "Xavi?!" I hissed "I heard the robbers say the name too!"

"The robbers?" was he bemused or was it a ploy? Did he not know? Could he not know the woman he had been married to? Was it possible to love someone so fully and wholly and _not _know them?

"They killed her" my voice shook and eyes stung "The same ones that broke into our house a few months ago... it was them. They said it"

"Angela...?" he looked sick.

"I'm sorry" I leaned back in my seat, pushing the food away. "I thought you would know... I thought you could have lied to keep me safe..."

"She was scared" he whispered. "She was on that train all the time and he...Fernando wasn't with her anymore and one day I pointed it out to her? Such a coincident that we would be sitting opposite each other... each time? She told me he had abandoned her, she told me she lived on the trains... she told me she was alone. I took her to a shelter..."

He drifted and shook his head "I knew there was more to it but I never asked. She fell pregnant and I never asked. Sometimes when you love deeply, Angela honey... you never question. I was alone too, I was lost too and we found each other..."

He smiled and I could see his love for her in his eyes, his love for me there too. "And look what we brought out of each other?" he pointed at me "Beautiful children. A true family that neither one of us could ever have had!"

"I'm sorry..." I realised I was crying.

"I'm sorry too" he wiped his mouth with the napkin. "Are you ready to go?"

Xx~xx~xX

I appreciated the outside of the Saint Moritz just as much as it's interior. There was so much I had failed to be grateful of, to enjoy and have silly reflections over in my obsession of all things wild, weird and dangerous.

The most satisfying satisfaction was the lovely fondue. Who knew such a thing could fill one up with that level of contentment...

Dad was shaking some old friends hand enthusiastically; still high on the emotion overdose. He pointed back at me, the hugest smile on his face. He waved me over to them and I sighed; I was in limited moods for meeting new people.

It was a little more crowded on the street, tourists like me self weaving in and out. There was always that look that they had and I wondered if I carried it too. That wide eyed gaze on everything; a new place, a different atmosphere and the excitement of the unknown... but could I ever be a regular tourist after witnessing the true unknown; could I ever be more awestruck than having a vampire go _down on me..._

"Angela..." Dad began and I tried to still my blushing, scolding myself for such a depraved mind. "This is..."

There was a sudden bout of movement; some small colliding of people behind Dad that caused him to lurch forward the instant that he had clasped my hand willing me to meet his old acquaintances and in the innocence of it all, a sharp but resounding bang was heard. I didn't move, stupidly wondering if my phone had made that bang, as it had vibrated simultaneously with everything.

People were screaming, scattering and I no longer held my father's hand.

He was lying on the pavement, the smile lingered on his face and his eyes wide and dulling, staring up in love to the night sky. Around him, black pooled. It took me a moment to register that it seeped from his front, that his white shirt was stained red, that that was not wine, that it was blood and that he had been shot.

Xx~xx~xX

Aunt May was crying.

The house was full, people weaving in and out; some in suits, others were regular folk and most were police. They were speaking loudly in the other rooms, questions, theories and accusations. "A man of God shot in the streets of London"

I could see the headlines so clearly, I could almost hear the newsreporter.

Whenever they came into the room that we were huddled in, they would whisper. They would murmur and send their words floating delicately to us; "What had happened?" and "What did you see dear Angela?"

I couldn't answer them. They were the _police_, they were _agents_... they were not fit to handle this.

"Angela...?" he looked up at me from where he was huddled at my side, his small arm going round my stomach and squeezing as tightly as he could. I had cried in the ambulance but those tears were all I could offer to misery;, because now I was filled with rage. I wondered why the twins hadn't cried-they didn't know what I knew. Or maybe they couldn't understand what was happening, comprehend what it meant when someone said "Your father is dead".

"We are going to be okay" I told him. He didn't smile and he didn't believe me, resuming his cuddling in silence and with a stronger grip. My phone vibrated again; Esme, Carlisle, Alice and Rosalie's missed calls filled my screen and I couldn't hold out any longer. They obviously knew...

"Alice" I looked at the screen. "Stay here okay" I told the boys, rising. I answered it while walking out the room to the next as quickly as I could. I was afraid it would cut before I answered but I had to be away from the boys "Alice Cullen"  
"You're alive" her pretty voice whispered in relief.

"Was I supposed to be..."I began but the words floated away and in their place, the smeared images of that night came. "It was I that was _supposed_ to be dead" I realised. "I was supposed to be shot"

"Angela?" it was Rosalie now.

"I am okay. The boys are okay..." my voice was hollow, tears stung my eyes and guilt so overwhelming and strong that I felt it would crush me right through the earth and straight to hell-it sat on me nastily. He would be alive, I would be dead and the twins would not be orphaned.

"I should be dead"  
"Angela..."Rosalie said firmly "Edward is on his way... he didn't wait long after Alice had the vision"

"He only called once" I was on autopilot, stupidly angry at Edward's impulsiveness (although justifiable).

"It didn't help that it took you so long to pick up our calls..." Rosalie laughed sadly "He was gone after Esme tried calling. Angela... I am so sorry about your father, he was a good man"  
"It should have been..."  
"He saved you" Rosalie said firmly "He saved you as any parent would, my dear. Whether he knew it or not and that said... it should not have been you"  
"Or him" the rage in my voice shocked me. I looked back at the door and saw Aunt May standing tentatively by it, her little fist raised mid knock near the door frame.

"Dear...?" she breathed, walking in slowly.

"Rose, I'll have to speak to you later" I said "I'll get Edward from the airport..."  
"Sea express my love" Rosalie said quickly "He'll find you"

The phone went dead and Aunt May gave me a suspicious look.

"You've never looked more like her than now" she said slowly. She closed the door and went over to the bed, smoothing the bed spread. I realised I was in his room-Dad's, and nothing had been moved. My heart panged and the prickling began again-the tears I had sworn had been shed enough in that ambulance were threatening to return.

It seemed grief had no parameters; rage be damned, vengeance be forgotten... he was dead. Staring lovingly at the pretty night sky with the obvious relief that his final confession had been told. We needn't had discussed it but I could feel it in my gut-I was not his.

He was not my father.

Fernando had abandoned Angelica... could it mean I was not Fernando's child either? What did it matter... and yet it mattered entirely. Such a non-topic, a non-issue and yet it now intensified my grief to know that I had lost the man I called father, and that I had never had a father. I would never know...

"Her" my voice shook. "Angelica"  
"The mystery of that woman..." Aunt May patted the spot beside her on the bed. "Was always you"

She never spoke of my mother save to tell the twins and I that it was because of her that we were as good looking as we were... I never believed her. I don't think the twins did either.

"Me" I said.

"Your father is a careful man"  
"Was..."  
"Is..." she insisted, squeezing my hand "Even in heaven... I bet he walks carefully still"  
"He is with her"  
"He is not with her" Aunt may said gently "Any person with as many secrets as Angelica had... well... those secrets would not be able to exist in a place like heaven"

I remained silent, trying to tug my hand free from hers but she held on determinedly, pulling it over her lap and clasping it with her other hand. "I love you... all of you, and I am prepared to look after you"

"We'll be fine" I said sharply.

"It wasn't even a robbery gone wrong..." Aunt May shook her head "He was shot from across the street. I may be old, I may be a nag but one thing I am not is an idiot"

"I didn't say you were"  
"But you are being an idiot right now" she raised her eyebrow. "Your phone conversation was interesting. Now, why would you think that it should be you who should have died in the up class streets of London?"

"It doesn't matter"  
"No, tell me" she smiled shrewdly "And I'll tell you something about Angelica"

"I saw three men standing across from us before we entered the restaurant. I thought I recognised one as the robber... the robber that had..." I had begun the story in a rush and then I couldn't finish. The man's face flashed over my eyes, rage and misery-horrible things to live in ones heart.

"Cleverer than Angelica" she smiled. "Maybe you get that from your father... your _real _one"

I looked at her closely. She liked that I was not shocked by her revelation, she liked that I knew; sweet Aunt May was always too perceptive and entirely straight to the point.

"Your father is a careful man" she said slowly, sadness seeping into her voice "I was immediately suspicious when he said he was going to marry a woman that had never been mentioned. Of course, it should have made sense when I met her and she was pregnant... but you see, it didn't. Your father is a careful man... that would be too easy a mistake, getting Angelica pregnant"

"He is a good man" the tears did fall then, two hot ones tumbling down my cheeks. Their trail was immediately replaced by another pair and then another... I was sobbing without wanting too, crying with everything I had and miserable.

"He is" she sighed, releasing my hand and wrapping her small arm as best as she could around my shoulders. She kissed the side of my head and nudged me with hers "A good man and your mother... she was a brave woman. I'd like to believe she loved my brother and she gave him as much as she could but she came from danger and that danger followed her. It will always follow her, as long as her blood is in you and the twins"

Xx~xx~xX

We were cuddled in my bed. The three days had gone in a haze, and the concept that we were orphans had not been handled yet.

Orphaned. In danger. Afraid. Alone... with each other.

"Angela?"

I wasn't shocked to hear his voice. I knew he would find me. The sound of his voice pushed against the walls I had built; it pushed and pulled, heaved and wrecked at my resolve to be strong. My heart seemed to know that there was no need for me to be this strong alone when he could do it perfectly for me.

I didn't want to start crying again; I was supposed to be so angered and past misery, I was supposed to be a knight fuelled by revenge. I wanted to be cold and hard, like a vampire...

But I felt incredibly human and much less than that.

"Are you awake?" he asked. I remained silent and he sighed, loud enough so I could hear and with enough effort that I knew he knew; my father was gone. "You are awake" he told me. I barely felt his weight on the edge of the bed, by my feet. He touched me through the blankets, moving his hand upwards until he reached the rim of the covers. I saw his white fingers hook there; it would have been a scary sight if I were some _other _girl who didn't have a vampire boyfriend.

The covers came down slightly, exposing my head but I didn't move. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to fake being asleep.

"I should have been..."

I rose swiftly, so close to his face and scowled "Should have been there?" I asked him.

He blinked in confusion, his eyes were dark but they had a far away glow and when he moved his head slightly to the window they shone like polished black pebbles. It was scary how they did that... but it was fascinating too.

"Whether I had met you or not" I said firmly "My family was always going to be in danger. You can't... always be..."

"I can!" he said impassioned, leaning forward. In his vehemence and determination, he somehow seemed helpless and afraid. It was incongruous but there it was... we could have been separated by death a few nights ago and where I was in the midst of trauma... he was in his own trauma of having me taken from me. "I will...!"  
"It's done, Edward" I touched his face and he closed his eyes. "It was them and it is done"

"Not the same men surely...?"  
"Not the same but it doesnt't matter" I breathed. "They had similar purpose"

"Will you stay here?" he asked looking at the sleeping boys.

"Forks" I said. "Aunt May will come with us"  
"Why Forks...?" he pressed "Maybe you need to disappear..." he said and then his striking face twisted slightly "Maybe I should kill them all..."

"Maybe because Forks is the safest place?" I tried to lead his face to mine but he was lost in something strange, terrible and seductive; violence. It was diminutive, hidden to the best of his capabilities but I could see it dancing in his eyes, begging to be shout from his pressed lips.

"Forks with its vampires and wolves?" he said sardonically.

"Precisely..." I said.

"I'll protect you and the boys" he kissed my forehead. "I won't allow for you to know this... to feel... pain, ever again"

"Irrational"  
"Dead serious"

Were we would have laughed before, we stared at each there in silence for what seemed forever and when I blinked and ruined the enchantment it felt too short a time. I had thoughts I had not sifted through, decisions that were pending and he was here and I couldn't go through it; my rage and vengeance, and I was grateful when he didn't ask on it.

He sat on the chair, watching me sleep and protecting my brothers from the world outside.

A glowing beautiful angel in a black hoody, motionless in a worn armchair.

**AUTHORS NOTE:**

**Welcome to Before I Die, the sequel to As I Am.**


End file.
